watching the seconds tick by

by muchtomychagrin

All the events that’s dropped in – expectedly and unexpectedly – in the past year has left my last two months of 2010 with a wide, gaping abyss. Relatively. While I watch the dust slowly settle down from being kicked up, the fog is slowly clearing, albeit getting some sand in my eyes.

I forget how easy it is to fall into ruts like these. I’m fighting to get out of a hazy year. A year, where I feel like I witnessed and partook in all of its shenanigans, but at the same time, haven’t fully grasped the gravity of my situation.

I’m not used to this self-reflection again. Where suddenly my brain is a part of my decisions, it makes up dreams and ideals that I believe I want, but I never actually have the full conviction to carry through.

This “Bored Housewife Syndrome” (I made that up. Not sure if that’s an actual problem but it seems to be prevalent in the cultural stereotypes. Like “Desperate Housewives”, and was even highlighted in modern American literature in “The Awakening”. But I digress) – has not only managed to make me take life seriously again, but it’s made me miss that window of time where I loved myself and life whole-heartedly. Now everything seems to feel like it’s half-done. Indifference has surpassed the importance of pure joy.

I’m grappling with being home, where I once had accepted to being back here and the universe decided to throw a spannar into the works. But here I am again, and I’m only reminded that life never quite started for me here, and it probably never will. I’ve never been the quintessential local citizen of this country. My views have never fit, I’ve never enjoyed the mundane rinse-and-repeat, I’ve never understood the mindset and the motivation that spins the hamster wheel my compatriots so willingly jump on.

I was answering some comments on Facebook before, and I was a little taken aback to realize some of them were only posted less than 24 hours ago. It felt like DAYS when I last saw them. Suddenly time is ticking by, and I’m watching the seconds go by before my very eyes and it’s no longer instilling the insipid fear I have that used to kick my ass into gear.

I could never do well with idleness. Droning on by, just existing. That’s always a given. I guess this realization has me to understand that I’ve got to stop whining, lest I fall into the pit of disenchantment that will eventually spiral into the chasm of futility, indifference and nonchalance.